Nicole Ritchie NOT arrested for DUI

Early this morning, someone who we're told is Nicole Ritchie was caught driving under the influence of various chemical and alcoholic substances of which she was in possession of. Not only that, but this person was driving the wrong way on the freeway, something that people only very rarely do.

Just one problem: that wasn't Nicole Ritchie.

The person they supposedly picked up is 5 feet tall, when NR is actually 5'1". And, Ritchie weighs a full five pounds more than the person they supposedly arrested. Not only that, but NR is actually adopted and is presumed to be Hispanic, when the arrest report says the person they arrested was black.

When all other factors have been ruled out, what remains is that the person they picked up is an imposter, posing as the "Simple Life" starlet as part of some scheme or plan of some kind.

MASSIVELY VITAL UPDATE: Now, Nicole is saying she was on Vicodin because of "woman's issues", specifically menstruation cramps. She was previously hooked on heroin, but exited rehab in 2003. Now, we're supposed to believe that her being on Vicodin - another opiate - is OK and is not indicative of a relapse. She also says she's actually 95 pounds, not the near-starving 85 the coppers say.

Richie is now reportedly "resting at her West Hollywood condo".